reflections on week 1

We're still in Las Vegas, NM.  That plan flew out the window sooner than expected.  Needing to be flexible was a given but kicking off this adventure with a serious problem has really tested our flexibility.  Or maybe our commitment.  We could scrap this whole crazy idea and just head back to Colorado... it's not to late.  The truth of the matter is this has been a bumpy transition for all of us.  The kids are at each other, Geary and I have snapped at each other, I've snapped at the kids, heck even the cat seems pissed off.  "Is that seriously my new litter box?!"  But then there have been moments- Calista brushing Felicia's hair, Tenley riding around the park on her bike cheering on Corwin, elaborate pretend games, older siblings helping younger ones read, and even two kiddos cuddled in the same bunkbed.  They must not really hate each other that much if they want to curl up with one another at bed time.  So while we all get use to the entire camper rocking anytime someone rolls over, not having water in the morning because the temps. are below freezing, and trying to find just a little space of our own we're also learning a lot about compassion, understanding, grace and forgiveness.  Here's to hoping we have ventured down a path that takes us outside of our comfort zone into the place of growth but not so far into the unknown that we are beyond our abilities.

Day 1

It feels like we spent the last two weeks scrambling to get everything done.  Appointments, bike racks, good byes, house projects, purging and packing, etc. etc. etc.  In the midst of the chaos I lost my phone and we pushed back the departure by a day.  But then there was the calm of we're doing it.  We finally pulled it all together.  With the Flatirons in the rear view mirrors I was feeling sentimental and reflective about how we ended up in Boulder and all of our wonderful friends. 


This has been a hard good bye for all of us.  There is a deep sadness that comes with saying farewell to the known, the comfort of familiar faces, and where to find the groceries you need in the store.  Of course that sadness has been off set with excitement and joy.  I've wanted to visit Santa Fe, NM with our kids for years.  It seems like such a neat town when I read about it.  As our day turned long with the kids getting impatient to arrive something worse occurred.  Suddenly the van had no power, gas floored and we were only going 45.  Something was clearly wrong with the van.  We scrambled to find somewhere to pull off the interstate and evaluated the situation.  The transmission fluid seemed low so Geary walked to a gas station and got a quart of fluid.  We topped it off and hoped, although doubted, it would solve the problem.  It quickly became clear that adding transmission fluid did not solve the problem.  We slowly trekked towards Santa Fe, NM, our planned stopped, all the while wondering if we were going to end up broken down on the side of i-25.  Thankfully we found an alternative option in Las Vegas, NM.  

not a very good blogger

I had high hopes when I started this journey that I'd be able to get into a routine of writing.  Unfortunately that hasn't happened.  I've drafted an insane amount of posts in my head.  A few have made it half way onto paper but have largely gone unfinished.  I really need to get into a habit of writing.  I miss it.  I've never been a good writer per say but at times it has been my lifeline.  The place to sort out the endless thoughts in my head and create some order.  So I'm going to try again.  It's not the first of the new year or the first day of our trip or the day we decided we were really going to jump off the ledge on this adventure (all of those are half finished posts).  It is a rather ordinary Monday in Kill Devil Hills, NC where the rain is falling and the wind is howling.  We visited Roanoke Island today, the birth place of the first child born to English parents in America.  The story of "The Lost Colony" is one I never heard in school, or if I did, I certainly don't remember it.  In a period of time when knowledge and information is incredibly available the idea that we can't solve the mystery of this first colony is fascinating to me.  Right up there with the fact that we have explored less than 5% of the oceans.  Maybe trying to figure out that space thing is jumping the gun a bit.  So about that "Lost Colony"... dude leaves his daughter, son in law, and grand daughter to go back to England for supplies.  Returns three years later and can't find the colony he left.  Such a crazy story and precursor to Jamestown.

Aquarium

We've visited quite a few of them on this trip.  Today we visited the one on Roanoke Island.  It was not as nice as the one in Wilmington, which I was hoping for since they are owned/run by the same group.  It was just Calista, Corwin, and I though and that was a very nice change of pace.  We rarely split up but we should probably do it more often.  It seems like time apart is good for all of us.  Tenley and Calista go through phases (or minutes) of getting along and arguing about everything.  We've been in an argue about everything phase for awhile now and it is grating on everyone's nerves.  I was hoping that some time apart would be good for everyone and while it was, it didn't put an end to the arguing.  It seemed quite literally as we walked in the door they were already back at each other.  At least we had a few hours of peace.  We also managed to pick up a much needed new pair of shoes for Calista and some long sleeve shirts for Tenley and Felicia.  I didn't bring many with when we left and they've all grown enough at this point that long sleeves are looking a little short in the arms.  One of the hardest parts of this trip has been juggling the balance of doing things every day and keeping up with the regular life stuff.  I still didn't get to the grocery store and I've been saying I need to do that for three days.  I frequently feel like I could use a mellower day but hanging out in the camper all day rarely feels mellow.  Having nice weather and a playground/beach out the front door helps but we haven't had that combination in quite a long time.  I sure hope our summer trek back across the country on the way home is more pleasant than the last few weeks have been.  I'm dreaming of warmer weather!  I'm going to declare this a success, writing two nights in a row, that is.  Here's to sticking with getting thoughts on paper (or screen) more often.

The countdown is on

After months of dreaming, planning, and purging we're down to packing.  We signed a lease on our house last week while the kids were away at outdoor ed.  After a few days to let everything sink in Geary and I decided it was time to tell the kids that the trip was on and we were leaving next month.  It's been an interesting mix of reactions from the kids, with four that's not surprising.  Tenley, who I expected to have the hardest time is actually the most excited.  Recently it's felt like she is really trying to establish herself outside of our family.  Friends are very important, siblings are annoying, and she's too old to play.  It's just felt like a shift in her connection to our family unit and a value in outside relationships.  Completely developmentally appropriate, a bit sad, and I was afraid, a recipe for disaster with taking her away from her friends.  Apparently the timing wasn't as bad as I was imaging.  I'm anticipating a fair bit of sadness, there have already been tears and jokes about packing up her friends and teacher, but all in all she is excited.  In true Felicia form she was quietly gathering as much information about this adventure as possible.  The day after we told the kids we were going she went to school and informed her closest friend that she was leaving in a month, traveling in her camper for 9 months, and going to Florida and then to see wild horses.  I'd say she is tentatively excited as well.  I love how she matter of factly has said things like, "It probably won't be all fun but over all I think it will be a neat trip."  We've been talking about the need to be flexible and she is particularly good at that, she finds the silver lining in ever bad situation.  I hoping her good attitude can wear off on all of us a bit on this trip.  Then there is Calista.  She's told us she doesn't want to go and she is none to happy about it.  There is nowhere she wants to go and nothing she wants to see.  I'm still holding out hope that we can win her over but for now letting her have those big upset feelings.  It's a lot of change and I can appreciate that she isn't feeling the love for this crazy plan.  Corwin's thoughts on the trips very wildly depending on when you talk to him and who he is around.  With Tenley's excitement he is gun-hoe and ready to go, with Calista's negative attitude close he'll tell you he doesn't want to go either.  I'm not sure about Geary but I'm definitely feeling a mix of emotions about everything right now.  Overwhelmed is probably at the top of the list!  We have three weeks until our launch date and A LOT of purging, packing, and projects to finish.  It does feel good to have most of the major hurdles taken care of though.  We still have all the vehicles to deal with but I figure worst case we donate them and hit the road.  The end or really the beginning is in sight, just have to keep taking those baby steps to get there.

Disappointment

A few months ago I read about sacrifices in the context of full timing.  The newsletter I was reading pointed out the inevitable truth that we must give up things, we must make sacrifices, in order to obtain the new things we are reaching for.  And there in lies one of the challenges with this path.  Giving up the stability or predictability of life in a house was a piece of this adventure for us so easy to accept, at least in theory.  Giving up our worldly possessions... probably doesn't come as a shock that this hasn't been particularly difficult for us, we never been big stuff people.  At the end of the newsletter there was the question "If you are preparing to ditch, what sacrifice is scaring you the most?"  Scare didn't resonate with me but the question of, what is hardest to give up, was an easy answer.  For me, it is my children's seats at their charter school.  Our family was lucky enough to have won the schooling lottery and be afforded the opportunity to attend a charter school that largely aligns with my own educational beliefs.  As a passionate and opinionated educator finding such a school was no small task and actually getting into that school was nothing short of amazing.  Taking this trip means giving up those spots.  How disappointing.  I want to have my cake and eat it too. I want to be able to travel with my kids and be able to return to our school.  It has become our community and I'm thankful for that reality.  It also makes it that much more of a sacrifice.  For the last 6 months I've shown up in a space within that community designed for discussion and asked for us to consider an option for returning students to have priority over new students within the school lottery.  Obviously I have personal interest in such a policy but in the bigger picture I think it aligns with the schools culture and values.  It is a school that prides itself on relationships.  A school that values experiential, hands on learning.  For months we've talked and discussed- does this make sense for this community?  It has been a difficult process for me because at a personal level it feels like asking for a need to be met and as such the emotional response when it isn't met can be quite large.  I've had to continue to step back and recognize the big picture.  Signing up for and really engaging with a community means disagreements, different vantage points, and different opinions.  What makes sense to me as a member of this community doesn't make sense to others.  The reality of life is that there are some things we have control over and many things we do not.  I might get to have my cake and eat it too.  Or maybe not. 

Sometimes you get screwed in life

After months of searching, a fruitless trip to Washington, and more searching we found a van in Illinois that we thought fit the unicorn bill.  It took quite a bit of convincing the seller that we were serious buyers.  Then quite a bit of time to actually get the information we were asking for.  After a few weeks of getting everything squared away Geary headed to Il.  We had the van checked out by a local mechanic before Geary flew out and the engine checked out in good shape.  Geary was concerned about rust on the vehicle, especially being from IL but the mechanic said it was actually in pretty good shape given the age.  Fast forward a month and we've learned that we bought a lame unicorn.  In the last two weeks our excitement has turned to disappointment, heartbreak, and hopelessness.  We found out a couple of weeks ago that the van has major damage to the frame and is unsafe to drive, un-repairable, and we are basically just out the money it cost to purchase the van.  I've tried calling the sketchy roadside dealership that we were concerned about purchasing a vehicle from and they are living up to our worst nightmares. They have been unavailable to talk and likely devoid of any sense of responsibility in selling a completely worthless car to us.  Basically, we got screwed.  It's a hard one to swallow and has brought back up all my anger about our house and the well.  I know it's not healthy to hold on to and really serves no purpose but it's still there.  Forgiveness is hard to find when it feels this raw and intentional.  It shakes my belief in the goodness of people and makes me want to isolate myself from others.  Beyond that it has shaken our plans.  This trip already seemed like a huge mountain to climb to make it happen and now this?!  We're bouncing between a renewed energy in making this work because we know how much we want it and feeling hopeless about the financial side of things.  It was already going to be a stretch, Geary didn't think we could make the money side of things work but I was holding out hope that we could scrape together enough.  We really want to go debt free but that desire doesn't seem likely given that we are out thousands of dollars.  Thanks Steve... or Sam, yup there were red flags like the sales guy having two names.  Maybe we're stupid or maybe people suck or maybe both.